Let's get real for a moment...
Ever wonder why you're the office therapist, the birthday-rememberer, the peace-keeper, and the communication bridge – all while trying to crush your actual job description? If you're nodding (perhaps while simultaneously remembering you need to text your mother-in-law about Sunday dinner), you're carrying what researchers call "emotional labour."
And spoiler alert: it's absolutely exhausting you.
The Silent Weight We All Carry
Here's the thing about emotional labour – it's been happening so long that we barely notice it anymore. It's that invisible backpack of responsibilities we're lugging around that somehow keeps getting heavier.
The term was first coined back in 1983 (not that long ago, really) by sociologist Arlie Hochschild who focused on how service workers had to regulate their emotions as part of their jobs. Fast forward to today, and research shows that women do 2.5 times more emotional labour in heterosexual relationships when compared to men.
And we're supposed to act surprised by this information?
This isn’t to dump on men; I love men. This research shows that women provide more in relationships and that our culture relies on women to do this work.
What Emotional Labour Actually Looks Like
Before we can change something, we need to name it. So let's call out this invisible work for what it is:
At work, it looks like:
- Being the unofficial conflict resolver
- De-escalating tense situations (without anyone noticing you did it)
- Being 50% more likely to be approached for emotional support (yes, that's an actual statistic)
- Becoming the "office mom" – tracking birthdays, planning events, making people feel special
- Delivering bad news "nicely" (because heaven forbid we're direct)
- Remembering personal details about everyone (your colleague's dog's name, your client's daughter's college plans, how your colleague likes their coffee)
At home, it looks like:
- Doing an average of four more hours of unpaid household labour weekly (even when both partners work full-time)
- Being 52% more likely to manage children's schedules (even the dog’s schedule)
- Functioning as the emotional thermostat for every relationship in your household
- Remembering shoe sizes, favorite colours, allergies, and appointment schedules for everyone
- Maintaining mental inventories of household supplies
Quick reality check... does this sound familiar?
The Hidden Health Costs (That No One Talks About)
Let's talk about what carrying all this invisible weight is actually doing to your body, because this is where it gets serious.
According to research by Dr. Amelia and Emily Nagoski (in their book "Burnout"), the impacts of emotional labor include:
- Increased inflammation markers
- Suppressed immune function
- Higher risk of heart disease
- Disrupted hormonal systems
- Twice the likelihood of developing anxiety and depression
That constant cortisol drip from managing everyone else's emotions and needs? It's literally changing your body's ability to function optimally.
So when you're up at 3 AM with yet another mystery pain, unable to focus during the day, or feeling inexplicably exhausted despite sleeping – this might be why.
Why We Keep Doing It (And Why It's Not Your Fault)
Real talk time...
We've been socialized from childhood to take this on. We watched our mothers, grandmothers, and all the women before us perform this invisible dance, and we followed in their footsteps.
The difference? In our grandmother's generation, women often weren't working full-time jobs outside the home ON TOP of all this emotional management. Now we're trying to do it all.
And let's be honest – there are powerful social reinforcements keeping us trapped:
- Social rewards for being the emotional caretaker ("You're so thoughtful!")
- Professional penalties for refusing these tasks ("She's not a team player")
- Internalized beliefs about our value being tied to caregiving
Some of the most dangerous words for high-achieving women? "You're so good at this!"
Cue taking on even more invisible work.
Liberation Strategies (Because I Don't Do Hopeless Endings)
Here's where we turn this ship around. Your capacity for caring is remarkable, but it was never meant to be depleted by those who could carry their own emotional weight.
1. Name it as real work
Until we recognize emotional labour as actual work, nothing will change. Start calling it what it is – in meetings, in performance reviews, at home. What we name, we can change.
2. Practice strategic incompetence
This is tough for high-achieving women, but necessary. If you continue to take on the emotional load while complaining about it, there's zero incentive for others to change. You have to be willing to let some balls drop.
3. Create systems instead of carrying the mental load
Develop structures that distribute emotional work equally, regardless of gender. Train others to take on their share and hold that expectation.
4. Track it
Do an emotional labour audit of your week. Write down every single emotional task you perform. Identify your non-negotiables and what can be delegated.
5. Start with one small change
Let one ball drop. Don't do one emotional labour task that isn't truly yours. Notice who picks it up, how you feel, and what stories come up when you don't do it all.
Your Challenge
I challenge you to let one ball drop this week. Just one emotional labor task that isn't truly yours. Notice who picks it up. Notice how you feel. Notice what stories come up when you don't do it all.
Your empathy is a gift – but it's not an unlimited resource for others to drain.
Next time you find yourself carrying this invisible weight, ask yourself: "Whose emotional labour is this really? And why am I carrying it?"
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*Ready to lighten the invisible load you've been carrying? Grab my free mini-course, "Journaling for Ambitious Women," and start tuning into what's happening in your life. Seven days, powerful prompts, and an audio playlist to guide you. Get it here:
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