Real talk: that frustration you feel when others don't step up? You might be accidentally causing it.
Have you found yourself silently seething about how no one else seems capable of loading the dishwasher correctly? Or perhaps you're wondering why your team can't seem to take initiative without your constant oversight?
If you're nodding along (while simultaneously making a mental list of all the things you need to handle today because "no one else will do it right"), this post is for you.
The High-Achiever's Paradox
Here's a truth bomb that might sting a little: As high-achieving women, we're often training the people around us to disappoint us.
We don't do this intentionally, of course. In fact, we think we're doing the opposite. We believe we're clearly communicating our expectations:
"I need you to take care of the laundry"
"This report needs to be finished by Friday"
"Please schedule your own doctor's appointment"
And yet, when these tasks don't get done (or don't get done to our standards), we swoop in and handle them ourselves—usually with a side of frustration, resentment, and the familiar internal monologue of "I'll just do it myself."
Sound familiar? (Between you and me, I've played this scene out approximately 10,000 times in my own life.)
The Overperformance Trap
Society rewards women's overperformance. We receive praise for how well we juggle everything, how efficiently we handle crises, and how we make it all "look so easy."
This positive reinforcement feels good, but it comes with a price: we're teaching everyone around us that no matter what they do (or don't do), we'll handle it.
In effect, we're creating a feedback loop where:
We ask someone to do something
They don't do it (or don't do it "right")
We do it ourselves
They learn they don't actually need to do it
We get increasingly frustrated
Repeat
The worst part?
We're often silently competing with other women who are caught in the same trap. We look at each other thinking, "She has it all together" while on the inside we're all feeling exhausted, inadequate, and resentful.
Breaking the Cycle: The Ball-Drop Method
So how do we stop this madness? It starts with something that might make you break out in sweats (and not the menopausal kind): you have to let the ball drop.
I know, I know. The very thought probably makes your chest tighten. But stay with me.
When we let a ball drop, we’re teaching other people that we can’t do it all and that they need to take responsibility for their responsibilities.
The 4-Step Strategy for Reclaiming Your Energy
1. Choose a Ball to Drop
Start small. Pick something that won't have catastrophic consequences if it doesn't get done, but will create enough discomfort to be noticed.
Maybe it's the dishes piling up in the sink. Maybe it's not reminding your partner about their dentist appointment. Maybe it's letting a non-critical deadline slip at work.
2. Be Crystal Clear About Responsibility
No hints. No passive-aggressive sighs. No "it would be nice if someone would..."
Instead: "This is your responsibility now. I will no longer be doing it."
Make sure you have their full attention when you say this. Eye contact. No devices. No distractions.
3. Set Clear Consequences
This isn't about punishment; it's about natural outcomes. If the dishes don't get done, there are no clean plates for dinner. If the appointment isn't scheduled, they miss out on needed care. If the report isn't finished, they explain to the client why it's late.
The key is removing the reward they currently get from not doing the task (which is often that you'll just do it for them).
4. Follow Through (This Is The Hard Part)
They're going to test you. They're going to assume you'll cave and do it yourself like you always have.
You must sit in the discomfort of the mess. You must allow the natural consequences to unfold. And when they do, you must calmly point them out without swooping in to fix everything.
"I see the dishes didn't get done. What got in the way of that happening?"
Why This Works: The Growth Mindset
When we rescue people from the consequences of their inaction, we're actually doing them a disservice. We're not allowing them to develop the skills, resilience, and responsibility they need.
The truth is that you became the capable, high-achieving woman you are today because you learned through discomfort. You experienced consequences, adjusted your behaviour, and grew.
You can give them the same gift in kind.
By treating the people in your life (whether at home or work) as if they're capable of handling responsibility, you're giving them the opportunity to rise to that expectation. This is how you can help foster self-esteem and self-worth, by letting go of having it all figured out.
A Personal Challenge
I want you to commit to trying this approach with one small thing this week. Just one. Notice the discomfort that arises when you don't immediately step in to fix things. Sit with it. Breathe through it.
And then notice what happens when the other person realizes you're serious about not doing their work for them anymore.
Here's the beautiful truth: when you stop doing everything for everyone, you create space for:
Your own rest and wellbeing
Others to develop competence and confidence
Authentic relationships based on mutual respect, not resentment
Are you ready to let a ball drop? Share in the comments which task you're going to release from your iron grip. I promise the world won't end—but your relationship with your own time and energy just might be transformed.
If this resonated with you and you're ready to dive deeper into reclaiming your energy and redefining success on your own terms, I invite you to fill out this QUESTIONNAIRE and see if we’re a good fit to work together. You don't have to figure this out alone.
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